As a boy I was mildly insane. These were a handful of world views I held--and thankfully dropped--until the age of nine or so.

  • I used to believe that it was possible to pick up a girlfriend or a wife at The Girlfriend Shop. I wasn't sure where it was, but the three-year-old Justin knew it was there; probably somewhere in North Jersey. Like Bayonne. Upon purchase of wife, I planned for her to bore me three boys named Tommy, Joey and Dopey.
  • I thought "skim milk" was called "skin milk." I was convinced it did wonders for my four-year-old skin. "Hey, Grandma, come feel my hands! They're so soft!"
  • I thought that in a movie theatre the lights were to be kept on at all times. The first flick I almost saw was Return of the Care Bears, though we had to leave early because I kept screaming "Hey! Hey! Who turned out the lights?!?"
  • I was convinced that a giant fountain at a local mall was my grandfather from another planet. Anytime I'd go to the mall I say "Hello, Grandpa" in my head. I used telepathy to communicate with the indoor geyser. Happy I never verbalized that at the time. 
  • I used to think Poison were cool, and The Grateful Dead, terrifying. That "Touch of Grey" video gave me the creeps. I suppose Poison seemed less threatening because they looked like a bunch of Young Moms.
  • My first real sexual feelings occurred for my Storm action figure. I count the foxy Ororo Munroe as my first hookup. My asinine belief was that she was my girlfriend.